


did i read this wrong ?

by Sibart



Category: Marvel, marvel(616)
Genre: Alcoholism, Angst, Artist Steve Rogers, Drunk Tony Stark, Idiots in Love, Iron Man - Freeform, M/M, Rhodey Is a Good Bro, Secret Identity, Self-Loathing, Steve Needs a Hug, Tony Needs a Hug, Tony Stark is a mess, avengers from the 60's, jan is a good bro, pinning, piping hot mess, tony needs a nap too to be honest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:55:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25077220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sibart/pseuds/Sibart
Summary: tony exhaust himself at doing 50 things and blames himself for missing on lunch with his boyfriend to save the citybut he's 100% fine why would you even ask
Relationships: Steve Rogers & Janet Van Dyne, Tony Stark & James 'Rhodey' Rhodes, Tony Stark & Janet Van Dyne, Tony Stark &Janet Van Dyne & Steve Rogers, Tony Stark/Steve Rogers
Kudos: 47





	did i read this wrong ?

**Author's Note:**

> hey hey you i hope you enjoy this :D

There were a lot of important moments in Tony's life. Days that redefined who he was, what his life meant. The first one was when he understood that Howard was never going to be his dad. He would stay 'Howard', or father, in some rare instances, most of them in front of journalists. Maria could have been 'mom', in other circumstances. The second one was the accident. It forced a 21-years-old Tony to take the reigns of Stark Industries. He was barely prepared to face the arsh reality of arms dealing. He didn't face it, he hid behind one-night stands and whiskey. Then there was Afghanistan, and Ironman was born, alongside a deep feeling of guilt and a heart that wouldn't be able to beat in its own anymore.  
Those moments were precise points in time where Tony knew that he could never be in front of a mirror and see the same person in it ever again. 

A slap, a phone call, Yinsen's last breath. 

There is one, however, whose consequences would happen months later, slowly building up change. 

Ironman had put together a team of remarkable people, that could fight the battles no one could. A childish God, a scientist with anger issues and a fashion designer whose size could vary between half an inch and fifty foot tall.

They found a frozen Captain America last summer. The ice around a crashed plane had melted more than usual, and in search of something else, they found him. Intact. Alive. They gave him a choice, and he decided to continue fighting as long as he could, alongside the Avengers. His only condition was to keep his identity a secret. They accepted, it was in the Avenger chart anyway. And no one knew their leader's identity.

~~~

The year is 1965. Nobody knows who is under Ironman's helmet. Nobody knows how the businessman Tony Stark manages to get new bruises every months. 

Tony looks down at the designs on his desk. They're bad. The calculator looks like an angry box full of incomprehensible pieces of machinery that would gladly takes over the world. 

"John. Its John, isn't it?" 

The guy nods. 

"John. This machine is a computer. A computer that doesn't need to be the size of a dressing room to function. It's small. It's friendly. It's supposed to be a part of your life. The customer needs to understand what he has in front of him. To interact with the T101. I need you to picture this-" he gestures towards the designs-"sitting on my desk. Can you do that? Because I can't."

Tony hands the blueprints back to John. The guy is clever, but he has that thing missing, the thinking-outside-the-box thing, no matter how cliché that sounds.  
He stands up a puts his hand on John's shoulder, like he'd seen his father do countless times firing people who had dedicated their lives to working for him. 

"Listen, ergonomy isn't your thing, is it?" 

The guy nods again, and even Tony will have trouble making conversation if he keeps nodding instead of his usual monosyllabic answers. 

"What about change? I think you would thrive in an environment more, how to put it, academic? I need a guy to supervise the production of magnetic strips, Gregory is retiring next month." 

Tony feels John's shoulders loose their tension, and he realizes he thought he was being fired. It must be the hand thing. Tony makes a mental note to do the hand thing when complimenting his employees. 

"That would be great! I'm sorry I'm not good at..." 

He looks sheepishly at the blue sheet. 

"Nah, you know, you can't be good at everything. You want to know something? I'm not good at it either. That's why I have you guys." 

John smiles, and this the most expressive he's ever seen him. 

When John leaves his office, Tony runs into the stairs to the ninth floor, two stories below his. 

"Clair !" 

The director of the department turns her head and greets him with a smile. 

"Mister Stark! We rarely see you among the artists. What do you need?" 

Tony doesn't know what he needs exactly, he has a vague idea. 

"Uhm, something like, an architect kind of way of thinking, smart, works fast because I'm behind deadline, creative, understands the T101 schematics." 

While she pulls up some files, Tony takes a look around. Forty to fifty people working in open offices. Probably refining ads, articles or writing and illustrating technical manuals. Tony spots a mop of blond hair popping behind post-its, posters and papers. That's the only head higher than the thin separations between the desks. Clair draws him out of his thoughts. 

"I think your best bet is Steve. He's smart, and efficient." She bends forward and ads in a whisper "and he's handsome." 

The mop of blond hair stands up when she calls his name. Apparently there's a whole body attached to it, and indeed, a handsome one. 

Steve comes to Claire's office and, oh, he has blue eyes. He shakes Tony's hand and ask how he could be of service. Tony represses a very inappropriate answer. 

"Would you be able to design an ergonomic computer, the size of a typewriter? Understandable by anyone, accessible, you know." 

There is no way Steve knows, because it doesn't exist yet, but he nods, and Tony thinks he really gets what he's saying. 

The moment of understanding they were sharing, probably in Tony's head only, is ruined when the Avengers alert vibrates in his pocket. He excuses himself and tell Steve to be at his office first thing tomorrow. Steve nods at Tony's back.

~~~

An angry dragon throws Ironman in the Hudson, and the Avenger almost drowns. He wakes at the impact with a building in construction. Giant girl punches the creature, Captain America throws his shield at it, Thor electrocutes it. The dragon decides to go back in the ocean. 

An alarmed Captain finds Ironman and helps him getting rid of the tons of rubles above him. Tony winces at the thought of the bill coming for destruction of private properties. 

"You're alright? The helmet took a hit." 

"Fine, fine. How are the others?" 

Tony ignores the blood dripping down his face. He makes a mental note to stitch it before he goes back to SI. 

"Thor's telling civilians how he defeated three dragons at once on Asgard. Jan and Bruce are coordinating clean up. I think you can pass on it, you were there for the last four times." 

Ironman stays to clean the bay and consolidate the buildings adjacent to the one he almost ended up buried under. 

When Steve enters his office at 8 a.m., Tony is finishing the paperwork for propriety damage and his report for the Avengers archives. 

"Mister Stark?" 

"Yep, lemme jus... There all done. The perks of hosting superheros, am I right? Anyway. You're early." 

"Well, it's 8 o'clo- What, what happened to your face?" 

"Er, nothing. Something exploded in my workshop and sent shards all over the place. My safety googles should receive a price." 

He gives to his very concern employee the characteristics of the T101. First commercial, programmable desk computer. If they're faster than that Italian manufacturer, anyway. He babbles about the revolution it'll be, and Steve seems to be genuinely interested. He seems to understand, even, what is on the blueprints he's holding. He's probably being polite to his boss, a little voice in the back of his mind supplies. He shakes his head to silence it. 

"Those are the minimum dimensions I can shrink it to. Other than than, you don't have much of technical constraints. You have two weeks tops."

"Yeah I can do that." 

Steve smiles, and oh, Steve's smile is gorgeous.

"You can come to see me anytime you need if you have a question or need clarification. I know my handwriting isn't the most readable." 

"It'll be my pleasure. I just have one question. I'm currently working on something, is that a problem if hand it over to someone else?" 

"Steve, I have absolutely no idea how you guys are organized, you'll have to see with Claire. But this is top priority, so not a problem at all on my part." 

Two days later, Steve ask some of Tony's time to see if he's satisfied with the direction he took. They end up doing it over lunch, after Steve insists than one cannot do his work correctly if not well rested and well nourished. Tony makes a mental note not to ever mantioning his sleep schedule or his diet to Steve. 

Tony enjoys the meal more than he probably should. Steve takes notes meticulously of every points. His handwriting is all cursive and old fashioned and so damn pretty, Tony gets a bit self-conscious about his scribbles on official patents. 

Steve sets his pad aside when the main course comes. Tony learns about Steve's childhood, not too bright, he finds out. Tony talks about ideas and computers, and it turns out that Steve is really easy to talk to. 

They eat together every other day, sometimes at a restaurant, sometimes sandwiches at Tony's desk. 

Steve mantions his love for art and Tony kisses him. Steve doesn't return it. 

"I'm sorry, I really am, did I read the situation wrong?" 

Tony starts to panic. He has been out of the game for almost a year, maybe he completely lost it. Steve blinks a few times. 

"No! Not at all. I just..." 

He takes Tony's hands in his. 

"I'd like to take you to proper date first." 

Steve has a very determined look on his face and Tony nods. He can do with old-fashioned courting. It's really hard not to. Especially from Steve. 

The next day they eat Italian, in an intimate and hidden restaurant. Steve insist on inviting Tony. When they're out in the streets, Tony ask if he can kiss him, and Steve says yes, and oh life is good.

Steve breaks the kiss. 

"Can we go at your place?" 

"This is gonna be awkward." 

Steve steps back, an upset frown forming on his face.

"You have someone."

"What? No! Of course not! It's just. I live at the Avengers Mansion."

The frown turns into incomprehension. 

"It's, isn't it yours?" 

"Yeah technically yes, but it's their place. What if we make out in front of Captain America? That'll be awkward." 

He doesn't say out loud what if Cap hates gays? He doesn't want to ruin the moment, but it's a possibility. He's a dear friend - Ironman's dear friend - but the guy was born in the forties. What if the team hates the mere fact that they're founded by a queer. There's a reason no one knows. 

"Hey." Steve's voice is calm and soothing. He cups Tony face with his hand. "I'm pretty sure he wouldn't care, and by this hour, isn't he supposed to be asleep or something?" 

Tony somehow is convinced by Steve and leads him to the mansion. They don't meet anyone in the corridors leading to his room. Tony keeps his shirt on, no one can know there's an arc reactor keeping him alive underneath. 

He wakes up to an empty bed, a note on the pillow, and that's it, Tony thinks, it was just a one night thing and he got too attached again. 

The note reads 'going home to get prepared for the day, wouldn't want my boss to think I neglect my work, would I?' Tony smiles. He's amazed Steve could find paper and a pen on his mess of a desk. He sees on his watch that it's barely 7, and of course Steve-I-have-a-healthy-lifestyle-Rogers would wake up that early. No one gets abs like these sitting in front of a desk for a living. 

He takes his coffee in front of an uncharacteristically happy captain America, apparently fresh out of his morning training. He doesn't ask about the marks on Tony's neck. The engineer is thankful. 

~~~

Keeping his identity secret becomes a lot more complicated in the following weeks. 

The lies keep accumulating. When Steve finds a couple of first aid kits in the bathroom, Tony says he's clumsy, accidents happen in the workshop. He finds new excuses for the bruises and cuts all over his body. Tony's glad Steve can't see his scarred torso. 

Steve finishes the design for the T101 and it's perfect. Tony invites Steve to the restaurant to celebrate. Before he can enter their Italian place - Tony decided it was now his favorite place to eat - the Avengers are called. Tony says he got caught up in work and Steve tells him it doesn't matter, it's not a big deal, but the engineer knows it is.

~~~

Iron man is about to leave the mansion when Captain America asks if they can talk. 

"This is silly I know but your my best friend, and I don't know who to talk to about it..." 

"C'mon Winghead, you know you can tell me everything." 

"I met someone. We've been seeing each other for a few weeks." 

"Congrats! She's lucky to have you." 

Tony thought that it was the right thing to say, but Cap makes a face and forces an awkward smile on his face. 

"Yeah, I, yeah, uhm,..." 

"What is it?" 

"It's nothing, nothing important." 

"Tell me." 

"It's nothing really. I just, I just feels like... I like, I like her a lot. She's amazing. Really, she is." 

"But ?" 

"I don't know, I feel like she's hiding things from me. And I think she is in trouble with some bad people but it's not, it's not my place, and I don't know how to help if … if she doesn't trust me with it." 

"Does she know you're, uhm, America's golden boy?" 

Cap slumps down and buries his head on his hands. Tony takes that as a no. 

"How could I tell h-her? She'd be so... Disappointed."

"How can anyone be disappointed in dating Captain America?" 

The captain jerks his head up and the skin under the mask is destorded by... Fear ? That wasn't a look he wanted to see on his friend. 

"Captain America cannot be, cannot be who I am in my everyday life! He is a symbol, a figure that cannot have a life as boring as I do!"

"You're part-time superhero, I've seen more boring."

Captain America lets out a desesperate sight.

~~~

Two weeks later, Rhodey is in town for the T101 launch. All of the office workers of SI New York are here to celebrate. Steve and Tony act like if they barely know each other, stricktly profesional boss to employee relationship, it wouldn't be good for the stocks if the boss liked fellas better than ladies. 

"It's good to see you, buddy." 

"Same, platypus." 

His old friend give him a hug, and has a concerned look on his face when they broke apart. 

"How much weight did you lose? You're a fucking skeleton!" 

"Er, I've been quite busy these lasts months, you know, work..." 

The colonel knows what kind of work he is talking about, designing a machine had never ran Tony thin like this. 

"Also." 

Tony nods towards Steve, his blond head popping out of the rowd of employees. 

"I've been busy with that handsome guy over there." 

Rhodes smiles at him, but it soon morphs into worry. 

"Tony, I'm happy for you really but this - he lowers his voice - this Ironman thing cannot go on if you're exhausting yourself at leading three different lives." 

"I know. I know. I'm just, I'm just enjoying it while it lasts." 

Rhodey looks at him with pity. He does that often since Afghanistan. 

"I'm fine, I'm fine, I swear. Don't worry about me. The T101 is a success, we have the Nasa on our pocket, and the T102 is already in development. Everything's perfect." 

Tony isn't sure it is really convincing as he just observes Steve's back as he tells his little lies to his best friend. 

" Tones. "

" You know what? Let's grab champagne and celebrate this commercial success. "

~~~

Rhodey drops him at the mension around 3 am. The journalists say he celebrates too much, but Tony didn't want to celebrate anything anymore after his fifth glass, and decided to have the barman keeping him company when he couldn't find Steve in the crowd. 

Rhodey has to be in DC in the morning, so he waits for Tony to be at the front door to start the engine and drive away. 

Tony thinks he's not making any sound as he cross the entrance to go grab something to eat. He finds himself wondering how the kitchen is organized ; he never uses it, it's the Avengers'. 

Tony discovers that slamming cupboards makes angry Captain America's appear. He guesses that's the reason he does not like magic. He laughs at his own joke and greets him. 

"Winghead! Do you know if there's shitty food around here? I can't find anything." 

"What are you doing here, Tony?" 

The arsh tone stops the man in his search of the forth cupboard. He turns to face the Captain. He wonders if he sometimes gets out of the uniform. Does he sleep with it? Is he ready to go on the battlefield at any given moment?

"No I don't sleep in my uniform."

Ah. He said that out loud.

"Yes, you did."

Tony makes a mental effort to shut his mouth and think about what he wanted to say before opening it up again. The soldier beats him to it.

"Anyway, how was the party?"

He sounds like he doesn't really want to know so Tony goes for the most concise version his intoxicated brain allows.

"Well, Eve'yone from the office was here, even Gre'ry. He r'tired a few days ago, but he still was a part of all of it so, you know, it's normal he was here."

Tony hear himself slurring his words and try his hardest to stop it. 

"Anyway," he wave his hand as if it would make his thoughts go straight," I gave a speech, you know the whole 'good work team, it's everyone's success'… Once my father told me it was to make them like you but it's bullshit. It's true, they did it all, i just pointed towards the right road, they could have done it by themselves…"

His eyes get lost somewhere behind Steve. Everything in the mansion is dark and quiet, exept the kitchen. He blinks a few times to get back to what he was saying. It takes him a while to remember what exactly.

"And, and then I told Clair to take a few days because she deserved it, and- Clair is the head of the department where they do stuff like ads and instructions and stuff like that. Then I saw Steve and then…"

Something clicks on Tony's head, and he remembers, around his third glass, brushing next to Steve and telling him to meet him outside in an hour. Then this guy from HR offered him another glass while talking social changes and politics and - 

"Oh no."

And he'd completely forgotten about his date. 

"Fuck!"

Tony jolts to see the hour on the oven, and it reads 3:25. They were supposed to meet four hours ago. Fashionably late would the understatement of the century. 

"No no no nononononon!"

"What ?"

The cap's flat voice seems miles away, buried under the panic building in Tony's chest.

"Fuck Fuck Fuck!!! WHY AM I LIKE THIS ?!" 

All energy leaves him at once. Why bother, he completely messed it up. He lets his body slide along the fridge until he's sitting on the ground.

"I'm the worst boyfriend ever." 

A little voice supplies him with a 'what a surprise'. Not helping. Then it hits him that he just outed himself to Captain Fucking America, but he does not have the mental power to care. Might have something to do with the fact that he hasn't slept in 53 hours. 

"Why is everything so complicated? I just wanted to be good for him and I'm messing everything up. I'm so fucking stupid." 

"Tony-" 

"I thought, I thought I could do it you know? Doing everything at once." he stares at the tiles. "But maybe Rhodey's right. Maybe it's too much, even for me. I should have known. I should have stopped before it meant anything, you know ? Less collateral damage. Now I feel like I'm playing with him." 

" What are you saying? "

Tony realises he just poured his heart over to Captain America. The man already thinks so little of him, he should stop talking. If he keeps talking he might let out even more important information, like 'Hey, I've been lying to you for 3 years, I'm Ironman, and now you can definitely throw away the little esteem you had for me'.

"I think I should go to bed." 

He grabs the counter to push himself up on his feet. The room spins, but he lets go of his grip anyway. He miraculously gets to the door without falling. Tony is aware of the soldier's eyes on him. It's the first time he is ashamed of his drinking habit.

He goes to his room without looking back at the soldier. Ironman is the Cap's bestie, but he made clear that Tony Stark wasn't someone he cared about or even considered worth his time, and he just gave him a thousand other reasons not to.

Tony sits at his mess of a desk. He meant to clean it up when he would have the time. He never did.  
His arm sends everthing to the ground. He picks a block of paper up and a pen. He starts putting down the important points he has to make.  
-I'm sorry.  
-it's not you it's me  
-a mistake  
-I'll help you find another job if you want to. 

His grip on the pen is weaker by the second. He looks down at the paper. He feels like punching Steve would be easier. He feels like an ass. Rightfully so, the little voice supplies, and he can't argue with that. 

A red spot appeares on the white paper, then another, then another, the he realizes his noze is bleeding. It does that sometimes. He passes out from exhaustion before he can get up.

~~~

He wakes up a few hours later, the sun is barely up. His stomach hurts, his eyes can't focus properly. He needs coffee, loads of coffee. He looks at the clock next to the untouched bed, it reads 5:48.

Something on his face is sticky. Turns out it's sheet of paper, drenched in blood. There's stuff written on it that he cannot read, because of the blood, but mostly because his writing is even worse when he's drunk. The only thing he can decipher is "a mistake". Not helping, it could apply to his entire life. 

He goes to the bathroom to discover that his shirt is ruined, his face looks like he just fought Loki. The bags under his eyes are so dark he might have been bitten by a radioactive raccoon and gotten superpowers. 

He pours cold water in the sink and drowns his shirt in it. Ana and Jarvis had taught him some tricks to remove stains, and make sure Howard wouldn't notice when he bled or fell or... Or anything really. Tony wonders if they would be proud of what he's become, or if they would scold him to take care of himself. He wonders if they are happy, up there, if there's a up there. A tear dares to escape.

"Fuck!"

The annoying little voice lets out a 'Stark men don't cry'.

"Shut up!"

Another tear followed and Tony found himself breaking down in his bathroom.

"Why?! Why is everything suddenly going to shit?"

His reflection dare to stare at him.

"What are you looking at? You think playing the victim will make things easier? You mess everything up and you complain about it? What the fuck is wrong with you? Even Howard was better than you. If it's any-"

Someone knocks and cuts him in his sleep-deprived rent. 

"Tony? You up?" 

It's Steve. What on earth is he doing here? Steve is behind his door, and he's shirtless, with more blood on his face than sociably acceptable.

"One sec!"

He hates how his voice breaks. Tony washes down his face and hopes that he didn't forget any spots. He throws on a black tee shirt that he knows cancels the arc reactor's light and goes to open the door, after making sure there's no blood or tears on his cheeks.

"Hey-"

Where there should be a neat, well ironed shirt is a silver star surrounded by navy blue.

"Cap. Hey. How are you doing?"

"Me ? Fine, I was a little worried about you to be honest. You didn't seem too well yesterday night. I didn't wake you up did I ?"

Tony's mind takes his time to put context around what the Cap is saying. Tony brushes his hair to distract the soldier from his lack of memory. 

"Is that blood?"

He lowers his arm, and sees a trail of dry blood from his elbow all the way to his wrist. Damn that was one heck of a nosebleed.

"Er, I tripped, on the bathroom thingy... Mat. Bath mat. I tripped on the bath mat. Haha, I'm just, so clumsy, you know? Yep."

Even behind the mask he can see that the Cap is not taking any of his bullshit. Time to escape.

"I've got to be at work early, so if you need something...?"

Say no and leave. Say no and leave. Say no and leave.

"Actually -"

Dammit.

"Could you have Ironman drop by this afternoon? Around 5. Fury called a meeting."

"Yeah, sure."

He watches the Avenger go back to his room. Couldn't he just send an alert to the Avengers cards? The exchange was pretty empty and useless, as far as he was concerned. He gets back to his room wondering why he'd come in the first place.

He takes a real shower and makes sure he didn't miss any bloody spots. He stops on his way to his closet to contemplate the mess on his floor. His eyes come and go between his empty, blood-drenched desk and his carpet hidden under papers and pens and his edition of The Legend of King Arthur he thought he'd forgotten in Paris last month. 

He remembers his drunk self wanting to write something to Steve, and he remembers what. He's torn between finishing the damn letter or moving to Europe for a year. 

He sits down and starts writing. He's not sure he'd like to live among parisians for 12 months.

'Dear Steve,  
I'

He looks down at the paper and throws it away. No 'Dear', he decides.

'Steve,

I'd like you to know that the weeks we spent together were the happiest of my life, by far.'

He cannot tell him that if he tells him three lines later that it's over. He has to look like an asshole if he doesn't want questions. The sheet of paper flies across the room.

His stack of paper reduces drastically, and he throws thirty or forty sheets before looking down at the result. 

'Steve,

This was fun, but all good things have to end. It's not you, it's me. I got bored.

Hope you find someone who can make you happy.

T-

p. s. You can stay at SI if you'd like. '

He wonders if there's a special place in hell for assholes like him.

He folds the letter and takes fifteen minutes to find an envelope. He writes a sober 'Rogers' on it and goes to his cabinet to pour himself a whiskey. The day's going to be awesome. 'Whose fault is that, genius?' He doesn't need the little voice to answer that.

~~~

Tony gets to the office at 7:15, and he realizes that's the earliest he ever did. He doesn't count the times he didn't leave the building at all.

He climbs the stairs to the artistic department. He's not sure this department has a real name.

Clair isn't here yet, and except for security agents and the cleaning staff, he's the only one in the building. 

He crosses the floor to get to Steve's desk. It's clean and organized, to the exception of the dozens of post-its splattered all over the place. On the side, he has an edition of the Panton palette, a book called "1945-1955 - Innovations and technologies" and a sketchbook. 

He shouldn't look, a sketchbook is intimate, and looking at it without Steve's permission would be such an invasion of privacy, he shouldn't, he really shouldn't, he tells himself as his hand takes the brown sketchbook.

On the first page, there's only, written in this neat writing of his, 'Steve Rogers - if lost return to Stark Industries HQ, NY', followed by the adress of the building.

In the first few pages there's several sketches of a guy in WWII uniform and a woman dressed like in the forties, and Tony wonders if Steve is interested in history. Maybe he's writing a story about the war.

There's a page full of splashes of paint, and notes about acrylic paints, and its differences with gouache. 'have to test the brand cryla, ask Tony how to import some?' was written on the bottom of the page. He swallows down a sob.

Tony flips through the end of the sketchbook. There are sketches of people sitting at coffee shops, some buildings that Tony recognises from across the street. There are portraits of a man he doesn't know.

At the end of the sketchbook, Tony find sketches of himself sleeping, eating, drinking coffee. He shuts the book off and put it back in place. 

He puts the letter in the middle of the desk, so that Steve can't miss it. He lets his fingers linger on the envelope, but shoves his hand in his pockets to stop thinking about backing off. His decision is made, and it's right one, and he'll probably be miserable because of it for the rest of his life.

Ironman, the Avengers, SI, he can't balance it all, he can't tell a soul, he can't do it. He can't drag a civilian into this.

Tony wonders when he stopped thinking of himself as a civilian.

He turns around and rushes to the door. He'd better hurry up if he doesn't want to see anyone. Steve enters the room at the same time Tony is leaving. He looks tired and confused, and before he can say anything Tony climbs the stairs behind him.

He'll just ignore the ninth floor forever, exactly like he did before this whole mess started. He takes another glass once he's in his office.

~~~

At 5:30, Iron man lands at the Avenger Mansion. Captain America looks mad, probably because he's late. 

Director Fury tells them they have a lead on one of the Haydra bases. He says that Mr. Stark could be of help with the servers they found the lead on, to make sure that they didn't miss anything. Cap categorically refuses.

Tony immediately regrets their exchange the night before. Cap doesn't want a queer around his missions. Or a weak man who pours his heart over anyone passing by. Or both.

Thor and Bruce are in Switzerland for a colloc on biology. They'll go with Jan. Fury tells them she's waiting on the roof, already getting the quinjet ready.

In the elevator, the Avengers are silent. Tony wonders if the Cap is also mad at Ironman for not telling him who Tony really was. What he really was. Ironman couldn't have known, right? If Tony kept secrets to the team, it included Ironman, right? It made sense, maybe. But Ironman was supposed to be Tony's bodyguard, he's not his babysitter, he doesn't know who Tony's hanging out with. Tony stops in his tracks, if he continues thinking about himself as two people he'll end up in an asylum.

In the quinjet Jan and Tony smalltalk about her new collection, while Captain America sits like a statue for the duration of the flight. Tony glances at him from times to times, but the Cap just fixes his hands on his lap.

The only thing the soldier says is the plan of attack. Ironman as air support and scout, Giant girl and him as the ones who are about to punch nazis.

It's a plan. A plan Tony can think of instead of contemplating the end of his life.

He flies out of the jet twenty miles before the target. He lets himself free fall until he is under the treetops and fires the reactor a few feet before he hits the ground.

"Be careful, Shellhead. We don't know what they're doing down here."

The cap's voice is distorted through the coms. If Tony had had a look at the servers they would have more iformation. He doesn't want to piss of the Cap more than he already did, so Tony agrees with him and speeds up.

The complex seems empty. Hydra might be careless sometimes, and often incompetent, but not this extent. He scans the building for heat signatures, but nothing comes up.

"Cap, something isn't right."

"Yeah, nazis still exist in the 60's."

"Yes, that, but also the building's empty. I'm going in."

"Wait, -

The Cap adds something but his words are covered by interferences when Tony enters the building.

"Ir... An... Tra... Out..."

The moment the armor touches the ground an explosion blows from the corridor. The blast sends Tony flying. 

Everything turns black for a split second. Pain floads when he hits the concrete several feet behind. 

"Ironman!"

He wants to answer but air doesn't come in. Captain America is panicking in his ear and he cannot fucking breath. He is vaguely aware of the quinjet landing. The wind it makes fights with the heat from the fire in the empty complex.

Red boots appear in his vision.

He raises his hand on the arc reactor. The armor is shut down and so damn heavy. He taps once. Twice. 

He sees the captain and the wasp hovering above him. A hand dangerously approaches the faceplate.

The third time, he slams his hand on the arc reactor and it falls back into place. Everything flashes blue and air comes back. He jolts up, yanking whoever's hand was on the way.

He gasps, trying to steady his breathing. His eyes finaly focus on something - rubbles in front of him. His ears ring and he has to turn his head to see that the Captain is talking. He shakes his head as much as he can in the armor. He's pretty sure he has something broken, or more likely several somethings.

His fears are confirmed when he feels a pressure in his back that jolts pain through his chest and back. 

"Hey hey hey it's okay. Are you hurt ? Can you walk?"

His ears slowly start working again, and his heart stops hammering in his chest, so he guesses he's better now.

"I'm fine."

Tony snaps his mouth shut when he realize the voice modulator is down.

"Let's get back to the jet." Jan says.

Captain America helps him up. Tony tries to swallow down the pain presure causes in all his fucking body. He emits a strangled noise from the back of his throat that he tries to turn into a cough.

"Send a message to Fury to prepare the medbay," the cap orders.

Ironman shakes his head.

"-ister Stark. Care of it."

He cancells his voice as much as he can. He walks to the quinjet, knowing well that the soldier is eyeing him with skepticism. Before he can start lecturing him on accepting help, Tony grabs an emergency kit and a small toolbox that he put in the jet a few months back. He gets to the back of the plane, in an area they had set up to allow Bruce some intimacy when he woke up in destroyed clothes. He pulls the curtain.

The jet takes off, and he hears his teammates exchanging words about him.

He waits a minute, and after making sure that no one is coming, he takes the helmet off. He looks at the damage. Fortunately, only a cable is out of place, and with a screwdriver and a bit of welding it'll be working again. He gets to work, and ignores his back screaming at him and his eyes that keep unfocusing.

They are above New Jersey when he finishes. Tony takes a minute to tape his ribs - he'll take a closer look at the mansion. 

He slides the curtain open and the Cap's head snaps up. Jan, at the pilot seat, turns around.

"You're alright?", she asks.

"Yep. Voice modulator was down. It took longer to fix, you know, wielding while everything moves."

The Captain's jaw twitches. 

Tony thinks about flying the rest of the ride by himself, but he can't come up with an excuse, and his ribs tell him that it's a very bad idea everytime he moves.

He settles for talking about the mission instead.

"So, what happened exactly down there?"

"We recieved a message from Shield a minute too late."

Captain America isn't looking at him, and he has this grave voice that is never good news.

"Their engineers decoded some datas saying they moved out of the facility a month ago."

"Okay, that's why there was no one in the building, then."

It was a trap, then. And they felt for it, like newbies. It happened. To be entierly honest, he is more impressed than angry - though he is pretty angry - that Hydra had succeeded in one of their plans. What he can't understand is the defeated look on the Cap. There is no victim, if not for his voice modulator, and exept time, they didn't lose much.

The jet lands in a smooth motion that only the Wasp can manage. She gets out to report to Shield. Ironman follows her, after rising with difficulty from his seat. He just wants to get to his workshop, swallow dry a couple of pain pills and drink this horrible day away. But the Cap calls him, and wants to talk.

When they settle on the other side of the roof, Captain America tensed to his core for God knows what reason, Ironman just leans againts the wall, pretty sure he wouldn't be able to get up again if he sat down.

"I'm sorry."

The Captain finally looks at Ironman, in what could be called his eyes. Now it's Tony's time to tense, because what the hell is he talking about? Is Captain America fireing him ? Is that what is happening? Is he fireing Tony, as Tony? Is he -

"I let personnal stuff get in the way of Avengers business and it got you hurt." 

He what now?

"I've had a pretty bad day, I should have let Ton- Mr Stark look at the servers, I should have look out for the obvious signs of a trap instead of being as closed off as I was."

"O…Okay."

The Cap's shoulders losen up a bit and they both fall silent. Is he supposed to say something now?

"You wanna talk about it?"

He doesn't answer. Instead, the soldier gets closer to the edge of the roof and looks the cars passing by for a good minute.

"You remember the person I told you about the other day?"

Right, yes, the girl hiding things from Captain America.

"It ended, today. With just a letter. A letter."

He opened his arms wide, as if he had just said the most ridiculous thing in the world. Tony suddenly feels very small.

"And no good explanation, just some excuse that i can't, i can't believe are true!"

"What happened?"

Tony is glad the voice modulator hides the shame in his voice.

"I don't even know. I thought we were good, i thought we were getting better at this, whatever it was. I even wanted to come clean. About Captain America. I was about to tell the truth, and i just panicked, and two hours later i find a fucking letter on my desk."

Tony's blood runs cold. Not because Captain America said 'fucking', but because it all seems too familiar. It can't be, though, because no one, espacially Captain America, would settle for Tony. Even Steve would have realized at some point that he had made a hell of a big mistake.

"And, and I think, I think I love him."

Him.

I love him.

His teeth clench so hard he thinks he'll break a mandible.

"Holy shit you're Steve."

It is so low the voice modulator shouldn't have picked it up but it does, and the Cap- Steve blinks at him. How the hell had he not regognize those damned blue eyes of his.

The cap blinks, and then panics.

"He told you about me?"

The wall is the only thing keeping him standing, and Tony can't find the strengh to speek.

"Does he know? Does he know I am-"

He can see dread building in Cap- Steve's eyes, and Tony begs his brain to come up with something to answer.

"Is he mad I lied to him? He is, right? He must be! I'm a horrible person, I lied to him so many times I-"

"Cap."

"I'm sure he blames himself for missing our date when I couldn't even make it to the restaurent!"

"Cap."

"And last night it's my fault if he-"

"Steve!"

Before his brain can tell him to do the sensible thing - jump on the occasion to keep his secret identity a secret - he is fiddling with the clip of the helmet.

"What -"

When he removes it he feels like he can finally breath, and he thinks he's gonna cry a little. Steve is there in an instant, kissing him, and cupping his face with his gauntled hands, and then he breaks apart.

"But why did you-"

"I'm so sorry I couldn't tell you, and I had to lie all the time, to you! I couldn't tell you, you were, you were, and then I was, I-"

He wishes he could get a do over on this one, because he is hyper-ventilating and probably crying, and very likely hurting his ribs even more than they are. He takes some deep breaths to calm himself, and he's so damn glad Steve isn't letting go. 

"Fuck." 

He wipes his cheeks whith his hands before remembering he's wearing the armor.

"Why didn'tyou tell me? You- Oh fuck I'm the girl you're seeing."

The realization hits him way too late to still deserve 'genius'on his biography.

"I'm so stupid."

"Well, we're quite a pair, aren't we?"

The Cap removes his cowl.

"The resemblance is striking."

Steve quirks an eyebrow and kisses him again. Tony melts at the touch. The soldier breaks the kiss more abruptly this time with a horrified look on his face.

"Don't tell me you hurt yourself like that everytime the Avengers are out."

"No?" Steve doesn't believe it. "I mean I get a lot of superficial… I mean not that much I didn't break a bone in 4 month… I mean."

Instead of his usual lectures, Steve burries his head in the crook of Tony's neck and let out an exasperate - yet found somehow - sight.

"Just be careful, Shelhead."

Tony nods againts Steve's hair.

"So… should we go to my room? "

"You need medical attention,"he says, without moving from the embrace.

**Author's Note:**

> a few little things
> 
> i say in the beginning that tony's encounter wit terrorists is in afghanistan when the earth-616 version happened in a imaginary vergion of Vietnam (sin-cong)  
> i thought it would be easier for ppl not too familiar with older comics to follow, as it doesn't affect the story at all
> 
> secondly, the T101 was inspired by the P101 or Programma 101 produced by Olivetti between 1964 and 1971, so when Tony talks about "that italian", that's who he talks about. the guy who designed it was the architect Mario Bellini, and the design was revolutionary at the time. anyway, I think it's interesting to where your laptops come from and they were among the people that made it possible  
> when Tony describe the T101, it's inspired by the words of the engineer of the P101 : "I want to see you for a complex project I'm building". It involved the design not of a box containing mechanisms and stamped circuits, but a personal object, something that had to live with a person, a person with his chair sitting at a table or desktop and that had to start a relationship of comprehension, of interaction, something quite new because before then computers were as big as a wardrobe. With a wardrobe we don't have any relationship: in fact the most beautiful wardrobes disappear in the wall. But this wasn't a wardrobe or a box, this was a machine designed to be part of your personal entourage."


End file.
